Surviving a loss from suicide

Too the editor:

John.

Nearly four years have passed since I last saw his smile, heard his voice, laughed with him, confided in him, listened to him, and hugged him.

You see, at the age of 24, my younger brother John took his own life. He was a shining star in his community who was a hard-working, mature, married father of two, managed a local business, and always offered a helping hand in his short 24 years here on earth.

At the time of John’s death, I didn’t know much about suicide, and I didn’t know another soul on this earth who had been through this tragedy. What I did know was that my family was in agonizing pain, reliving those last days over and over again, angrily blaming each other and ourselves, and asking a thousand questions that all began the same way: “Why?”

Since that time, I’ve learned that most people who die by suicide had given definite warnings to family and friends of their intentions. This means we need to listen to what our friends and family members are saying.

I’ve also learned that more than 90 percent of people who die by suicide have a diagnosable mental illness such as depression, bipolar disorder, schizophrenia, or substance abuse. While suicide is typically the result of a complicated stew of life events and circumstances, the main ingredient is almost always an underlying illness. Just as people can die of heart disease or cancer, they can die as a consequence of mental illness.

I’ve also learned that my family and I are hardly alone: research shows that more than 60 percent of us will lose someone we know to suicide during the course of our lifetime; more than 20 percent of us will lose a family member. Nevertheless, the historical stigma surrounding suicide persists, leaving many survivors of suicide loss feeling misunderstood and abandoned, yearning for comfort and understanding.

Survivors may turn to support groups, where they can talk openly without fear of being judged; there are more than 400 suicide bereavement support groups throughout the U.S., including one here in Amsterdam (and some excellent online groups, too). Other survivors read voraciously, learning everything they can about suicide and its aftermath. Still others find a powerful sense of community and healing at survivor conferences, such as those held throughout the country by the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention on National Survivors of Suicide Day, held on the Saturday before Thanksgiving every year. More information on these conferences and other resources can be found at www.afsp.org.

Although it’s a myth that suicide occurs more frequently during the holiday season (in fact, the rates are highest in the spring), it’s certainly true that this time of year can be excruciating for those of us left behind. Many survivors struggle with whether to maintain their family’s holiday traditions or create new ones. Of course, there’s no answer that’s right for everyone, and it can be helpful to bear in mind that you can try one approach this year, and still choose to do things differently next year.

If you know someone who has lost a loved one to suicide, you may feel unsure about how to reach out. Try this: write down a story about their loved one (especially one that they might not know themselves) and give it to them, so they can read it when they’re ready. And please don’t be afraid to say their loved one’s name. Don’t worry about making them cry; it hurts so much more when no one talks about the person they lost.

This holiday season, and always, I’ll be remembering my brother. He lived. He mattered. And his name was John.

National Survivors of Suicide Day was Saturday, November 20. There were more than 260 conference sites nationwide, including three sites here in the Capital Region. For more information, visit www.afsp.org.

Marianne Reid,

Amsterdam

The writer is board chairwoman of the Survivors Day Committee of the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention - Capital Region, NY. She is a resident of Amsterdam.

Trees replaced at state campground

To the editor:

In the spring of this year, when there was a great deal of concern about the possible closing of the Caroga Lake State Campsite, we expressed our concern, in both letters to the editor and in subsequent news stories, over an additional recreational problem that we felt was being overlooked, namely, the removal, during the early spring, of all (over 40) trees from the day use beach area of the Northampton State Campground.

Our family has enjoyed this beach for over fifty years. We know that many of the patrons of this facility valued the uniqueness of the beach area, a place where one could easily and conveniently sit in either sun or shade. Furthermore, some people, due to health concerns deliberately sought out the shade where they could still enjoy the wonderful view of the lake. Therefore, at the beginning of the swim season, my wife, Liz, developed a petition asking that the removed trees be replaced with new ones.

She sought signatures only from people whom she found sitting in the small shaded areas remaining at the extreme ends of the beach. She collected nearly two hundred signatures from people who commented that they missed the trees.

We are happy to report that our efforts have met with some success. After two meetings with Jim McEneny and Max Rulison of the Northville office of the Department of Environmental Conservation, these gentlemen developed a plan for securing and replanting the beach area directly behind the swim zone. We wish to offer our heartfelt thanks to these gentlemen, to Debbie Baker, campground caretaker, her campground crew, and the volunteers of Americorp for their fine efforts in planting the trees that Jim and Max were able to obtain.

The new trees look great and hopefully, as they mature, they will continue to provide the wonderful beach experience that generations before have enjoyed. Thanks also to all of those beach patrons who took the time to express their concerns in talking with Liz and who signed the petition.

Paul Russo

Johnstown